I have been in the midst of writing a very deep, lengthy, and historic piece in which I reflect upon my one year anniversary in Nicaragua that was celebrated on May 7 (happy bd nush tambien). However, as it is currently being reviewed by the publishers I am forced to leave to you this less serious piece of attempted humor. You may or may not get them all….but if you want to understand them all you just have to live in Nicaragua for a year. Simple, right?
drum roll please…..
bum, ba bum, bum…
You know that you have lived in Nicaragua for one year when you know that….
Formal packaging is overrated. There is a plastic bag for everything. Eggs, 2 liters of
coke, gasoline, ice cream, coffee, shampoo, you name it.
Privacidad, privacy, is not found in the Nicaraguan dictionary. And espacio, space, is a word as foreign as a bagel to a Nicaraguan.
You will never, ever NOT have more room on a bus. We will make more room.
A car is never too old or damaged to be driving on the road and a bus deemed unworthy
of life in the US will live another 50 years in the tropical weather.
Prices are generally negotiable, even when they are marked.
Gross profit margins are around 20 percent.
There really is a corner store, a pulperia, on every corner here and then there are at least two more on that same street.
You can buy a really good plate of food for less than 2 dollars.
There is no day of the year nor hour of the day unfit for fireworks.
Working days and school days barely outnumber holidays.
You must ask a restaurant what they have because if you go by the menu you will likely hear, sorry we don’t have that today.
Nothing is ever beyond repair. Ive seen it done.
Baseball can be played with gloves or bats and tug of war without a rope.
Silence is not only golden but absolutely impossible to find. Even if your nearest neighbor is 5 miles away, a chicken will find you.
It is more than normal for animals in the house to outnumber people. And remember that the average number of people in a house is probably 7.
5 cents can buy you a piece of heaven…a chocolate covered banana.
You can find your old rec league basketball jersey or summer camp tshirt. I promise if you look hard enough you WILL find it.
Flor de Cana rum is absolutely delicious and that Ron Plata will give you a serious hangover
That you MUST choose between Victoria and Toña for your favorite beer. There are no other options.
Friendships are made and lost based on whether someone has Claro or Movistar, the two Nicaraguan cell phone companies.
It is cheaper to call the US from your cell phone than call any Nicaraguan number.
You can get sun burned while hanging up your clothes to dry.
Ants can and will get into any food item not inside an armored safe.
Mayonaise and Ketchup make a good spaghetti sauce.
Gallo Pinto (a mixture of fried rice and beans and the most typical Nica food) is only acceptable as a breakfast or dinner item. For lunch you can only eat rice and beans separated.
You can eat every part of every animal.
If you don’t have a rocking chair in your home, you aren’t really living here.
Air conditioning consists of lifting up your shirt halfway while you walk (for guys).
A fan will become your best friend (in most of Nicaragua).
Spanish is not exactly what Nicaraguans speak. It is more like Spanish with a twisted lime.
Hearing a person tell you “right now’’ means that it will be anywhere between 10 minutes to the next day. Or never.
Showing up for a meeting on time means arriving 30 minutes late. If you get there 15 minutes late, you are early.
Time is not money.
When it rains hard, speaking to someone sitting next to you becomes nearly impossible. Thank you zinc roofs.
It is not only possible but very likely that 12 people live in your neighbors house meant for 4.
Eating insects with your food doesn’t make you sick. It actually helps you achieve a balanced diet.
Bread or rice will be eaten at every meal.
Baseball and boxing are kings here. Soccer comes next.
The outgoing mayor always has a new house.
When Stalin said Ï don’t care who votes, I only care who counts the votes” he couldn’t have been more right.
If you walk into someones house you better be prepared to stay for at least 30 minutes.
Everyone has a family member in Costa Rica or Miami
Water and electricity come and go as they please.
The better the food looks, the longer you will spend in the bathroom.
There is never enough sugar.
Half the doors of taxis and buses only open from the outside.
Fixing pot holes in the number one campaign priority for every politician
There really are no secrets….trust me someone knows.
Most guys have wives and girlfriends.
Horses dance under the influence of alcohol.
Toilet paper is not meant for the toilet.
It is always Christmas in Managua. Xmas trees in the rotundas.
Managua is to a great capital city like Hamburger Helper is to gourmet food.
Rojito is the preferred drink for parties, hangovers, mixers, weddings, and funerals, and I heard that it even cures cancer.
It’s not a party until the plastic chairs come out.
A backpack, suitcase, or bad must never ever touch the ground.
Showering is recommended in the mornings but frowned upon at nights. You will get sick!
At 8pm, 90 percent of the country will be watching a novella.
